monolike | IC CONTACT

[Well, he hadn't been expecting that. He glances up at Lailah in surprise.]

Ah...n- [His eyes sting, sudden and sharp. Sorey, get up, stop sleeping on the floor! Geez. What would you do if I wasn't around? ] No, I h- I haven't, [and he grips his sleeves and bends forward, bowing his head before her, folding into himself in his grief.]

I'm sorry- I'm so sorry-!

[Lailah moves onto the bed and gathers Sorey up into her arms, petting his hair soothingly. She's doing her best not to cry, too, but a couple of her own tears fall anyway.]

Shh, you'll be okay.

[This is a pain she's always wished she could heal with a seraphic arte. All she can do is help them bleed out those emotions, support them as they grieve.]

I'm here. [But she's not Mikleo.] You'll be okay, Sorey. [Lailah has to believe if no one else will. If Sorey won't.] I'm sorry, too. [For so, so much.]

[It takes some time, pressed there into her side, but eventually Sorey can pull the sobs back into hiccups. He tried to deny himself her kindness for all of a second, and now he wouldn't be able to let go of her if someone pried at them with all their might.]

I did something unforgivable to all you, [Sorey mumbles into her shoulder, eyes closed, clutching at her dress. She's smaller than he is but right now she feels so encompassing, larger than life and he doesn't want to leave her arms and face the world, though he knows he has to.] Zaveid- I tried to- I-

Edited 2016-09-14 18:33 (UTC)

[She continues to pet his hair, feeling her heart break more at how he clings to her so desperately like this. As much as the fire seraph wants to shield him from the world, she can't do it forever. Sorey needs to learn from this. He needs to re-learn to trust himself.]

I know. [Her voice is sorrowful.] Zaveid told me. Honestly, I had no idea such a thing was possible.

[But that doesn't excuse it, does it?]

I can't speak for Zaveid or Dezel, but know that I forgive you.

[Lailah always will. Even though he tried tearing her soul apart, tried taking away her fire, she still forgives him. In the end...she always forgives her Shepherds.]

I owe you an apology, Sorey. I didn't teach you enough to handle your personal malevolence. Neither did I teach my Sub Lords enough to help you in my absence.

[It hurts, how easily she says that to him. Like her forgiveness is a foregone conclusion, despite what he did to her. Sorey shakes in her arms, too close to another breakdown before he manages to control himself again.]

No, you- You've always been there for me. I knew something was wrong but I still hid it, despite everything you've taught me. Zaveid even came to me, and I-I promised him that I would call him if I needed help but...I didn't. You have nothing to apologize for. [The idea of Lailah beating herself up over this is too much to bear. She can't really think this is her fault, she can't.]

Oh, Sorey....

[Despite her sorrow and guilt, there's still affection in her voice. Yet, it doesn't take away the feeling that she's at fault, too.

But there's no point scolding him about it. Sorey knows what he's done wrong and he's been beating himself up ever since his purification. Lailah just holds him a little tighter.]

I'm...I'm really glad you're safe. [There's relief in her tone, but she also sounds like she's fighting back tears.] We almost lost you.

[Sorey could've been another Shepherd she couldn't save, but he's not and for that, she's thankful. So thankful and glad that she really doesn't have the words to adequately express it. Yet—]

I'm still so sorry.

[For all that's transpired the past week.]

[It's almost as if she can speak right into his soul again; he can feel her sorrow, a regret so huge that it can't just be about he and Mikleo. Sorey's reminded that there's been two hundred years of Chaos before he came along; nothing said that there weren't Shepherds during this time.

...but Sorey isn't her Shepherd anymore.]

...thank you, [he murmurs, finally pulling back far enough to scrub at his face.] Thank you for coming to save me. Without you there, things would have been much worse. I-I could've killed everyone. Or taken Zaveid.

[Lailah lets him go easily, though she keeps a hand on him. Somehow, she manages to smile. It's a little sad, but it's still a smile.]

Of course I would've come to save you, Sorey. You're not just my Shepherd and vessel to me.

[Always, always, her Shepherds and Sub Lords are precious people in her heart. They're what make the job worth so much pain and heartache. Learning their dreams, their personalities, their hopes, being part of their lives...it makes her happy.

But this brings her to the topic they most need to discuss. Gently, Lailah brushes his bangs away from his face.]

Sorey...I want to give you a choice, and I want to give you time to think about it. [Lailah pauses only for a second.] I'm willing to reinstate the pact and become your Prime Lord again. However, I don't want your answer right this second. I want you to think about whether you truly want to try again.

[She squeezes his shoulder gently. Her words are gentle, but they're also firm. Lailah doesn't want him to rush into a decision. Not when they have time on their side, for once.]

I'm not going to push you one way or the other. [She smiles at him kindly. Yet...she remembers Michael, how he quit being her Shepherd. As much as it'll hurt, Lailah didn't force him to stay, and she certainly won't force Sorey.] This is your personal choice, and I'll support your decision no matter what. I'll still be your friend no matter what.

[Lailah probably sees the stricken look cross his face plain as day, but Sorey obediently bites his tongue and keeps his immediate protests to himself. She's right. He can't just make a decision here and now without even thinking about it, but- it's just unfathomable, him being Shepherd again. Not after what he did. Not after Dezel, and Zaveid, and her and-

And Mikleo.

...if Rose knew he'd fallen to malevolence, she'd probably kill him. She never tried to hide what her true goals were.]

Lailah, [Sorey begins, reaching up to touch her hand on his shoulder,] I wouldn't- Even if I said yes, [and he has no idea why Lailah would agree to it, after how he'd tried to hurt her,] I could't ask Dezel or Zaveid to come back.

...has this ever happened before? Anything like this at all?

[She sees it, and it breaks her heart to see it. However, she can't blame him. Sorey's done a lot of terrible things, and he's going to need to mend trust between the majority of them, not just himself.]

For Dezel and Zaveid, it's up to them whether or not they wish to rejoin as Sub Lords. They won't want to so soon after all that's happened, but you know they care about you, Sorey.

[Lailah hesitates. She has to be extremely careful, since this is toeing the limits of her oath.]

You're not the only fallen Shepherd I've had. You wouldn't be the last, either. You also wouldn't be the only one who has decided to not continue as a Shepherd. However.... [The fire seraph looks down as her eyes get a glassy look, squeezing his shoulder gently. It's as much for her own support as his, now.] Y-you're the first who's come back.

[She's cried about it already, but...it's still overwhelming.]

[That Lailah tries to answer him without skirting around the topic or even just staying quiet means a lot. It also impressed upon him the gravity of all of her decision. She's not choosing to take him back lightly; she's seen this before. She's seen good, pure souls fall to darkness, and she's seen people crumble beneath the pressure of it and walk away. That she's offering to be his Prime Lord again, after what just happened, after all the heartbreak she must have suffered...

Sorey's lips trembles and this time, he leans forward to embrace her. He'd thought it before, when he first saw her in the chapel; how lonely it must be to sit in one place, waiting with her heart in her hands for someone who will see her, who will help her. Her dedication, her fortitude seems miles and miles above his. He was just a silly boy who dreamed about being a Shepherd after reading about them in books and stone.

She's made this journey a hundred times, and she'll make it a hundred more if she has to.

And that's what gives Sorey the first flicker of hope he's felt since everything started to go wrong. He'd felt the crushing weight of being one Shepherd in a line of many, in a neverending march of death, a cycle of putrefaction and purification that would continue until the end of times, or at least until the end of humans. His life is fleeting; a small handful of decades within thousands and hundreds of thousands of years. Maybe even millions of years, eventually. So maybe, in the grand scheme of things, his journey, his role as Shepherd means nothing.

But Lailah, Zaveid- all seraphim, they'll live on forever, barring other circumstances. And seraphim don't measure the world with time.

They do it by moments.]

I'm sorry for almost putting you through that again, [he whispers, pressing his hands flat against her back and tucking his head against hers.] I didn't want to scare you. I'm sorry.

Edited 2016-09-15 04:21 (UTC)

[Lailah returns the embrace tightly, welcoming his comfort. She sniffs softly. She tries to surreptitiously wipe her eyes as she feels the tears threaten to fall.]

You came back. That's all that matters to me.

[How many have walked away from her because they'd given up on themselves, their dreams, her, or all of the above? How many times has she had to cut her pact with a fallen Shepherd and wait for another to quell them? One too many and Sorey came so close to joining those too many souls. At least this time, he can have the choice to continue being the Shepherd, and she'll be okay if he decides to walk away from that or her. Better that Sorey walk away than be part of the souls who died becoming the thing they said they'd quell.]

The last thing I want is for you to go through that again. That's why it's okay if you decide not to reinstate the pact.

[The fire seraph will attempt to pull away only so that she can look him in the eye. She wants this to be clear to him.]

The Shepherd's duty isn't something that should consume you. You as a person are just as important as purifying malevolence.

I don't- [Sorey pauses, gathering up his thoughts as best he can. Everything feels so visceral, and even though they haven't talked about Mikleo yet Sorey can feel that unfathomable, all-consuming loss waiting to devour him.

He takes a breath, and doesn't notice how a hand curls around Lailah's dress again.]

You said that before too, but I still don't understand. If- As a human, my life is so short. I won't live over a hundred years, and that's if I'm lucky. If so, shouldn't I be using every second to its fullest potential to make the world better?

[Lailah shakes her head firmly. Unbidden, Michael returns to the forefront of her mind. Even though it's been a human lifetime since then...it's still recent to her. How the burden broke something in him and made him think that it was pointless to continue, losing faith in humanity being able to coexist with seraphim.]

The Shepherd walks a very fine line. If you recall, Asura thought the same way, and countless others before him did, too.

[The fire seraph puts a gentle hand on the one gripping her dress. She holds it like she's trying to share her strength with him.]

You're only one person, Sorey. You can't possibly take on the entire world's troubles. Even one country's is too much. The sheer amount will eventually break you.

[Not once do her eyes leave Sorey's face. He needs to understand so that they don't repeat the same mistake others have made.]

You've seen how people reacted to simply hearing that there's a Shepherd again in Glenwood. By just existing, you've made the continent better because you've given the people reason to hope again.

[He stalls. He'd forgotten Asura. How could he have forgotten Asura? It was such a pointed lesson, nothing at all like Igraine had been, and Mikleo had been-

Had been right there with him. It was a lesson for them both. And now, though the pact is broken, Sorey still carries the strength of that trial in him even though Mikleo is gone. It had been hard enough with Dezel; talking about whether or not to do the trial again, if it mattered, like they hadn't lost a friend and just needed to complete a set.

He can't do that. He can't do that with Mikleo.

How can he be the Shepherd again after this?]

...maybe Rose would be the better choice, [Sorey murmurs, staring down at their hands.] She's been through a lot. She's more used to...to loss. [To losing people. Sorey isn't used to it- they lost Mason, right at the start, a weight that sits sour in his gut whenever Lailah's fire flickers in a way that reminds him of Mason igniting bonfires for them to dance around, flinging in pinecones to hear the snap and pop.

But now Mikleo, Mikleo, Mikleo-]

I don't know. I don't know, [he tells her brokenly. He wants to tell her he has hope, that he'll think about it, but he can't. He can't bring himself to think about it without his mind circling back around to Mikleo, Mikleo, Mikleo. He can't think of what the world needs. He can barely think of what they need.]

-you...will you guys be all right without a vessel in the meantime? While- while I decide? [Sorey glances up at her, tearing his mind away from Mikleo (Mikleo, Mikleo) to try and consider the others he loves more than his whole being.] If we need to set up shrines for you then I have a few ideas. And- and if one worshiper is enough I can tend to them, but if you all need your own I can find people to help. I'm sure there'll be people who'll help.

Sorey, that's not fair to say. Not to you, not to her, not to any of us who have known the loss of someone close. [Lailah's chiding is gentle, but firm.] No one is truly used to grief.

[Out of the entire group, Zaveid and Lailah may as well be experts on the subject. It's their methods of coping with it that differ.

When he speaks so brokenly, she places a hand on his cheek. The fire seraph gives him a warm smile, trying to be reassuring.]

We'll be alright. There's not much malevolence in the area to be a threat. If it becomes a problem before you're ready to decide, we'll let you know and we can work through a solution. Together.

-right. That was insensitive, I'm sorry, [and he is. Of course. It's not like someone just stops loving people because of the ones they've lost. Of course it's not something you just...get numb to.

Sorey half wishes it was.]

I'm- Lailah, I'm concerned about Dezel though. Will he be all right without a vessel?

It's alright.

[Lailah considers it. It's a good question, frankly, but after talking to Dezel....]

I believe so. He's let go of a lot of his anger, so he should be fine without a vessel. However, I'll talk to him about it and see what he'd like to do.

[After all, it's the wind seraph's choice in the end.

Lailah hesitates for a moment, but...there's one thing that needs to be addressed. The elephant in the room. The ache in Sorey's heart that she knows is there. It's something that she needs to talk with him about before she leaves him be to think, at the very least.]

Sorey...I know it's hard for you, but we should talk a little about Mikleo.

[Preferably before he drowns in his own grief. This isn't something Sorey should be left to sink or swim alone in.]

Please don't, [he whispers desperately, almost cutting off the tail of her sentence. His hand is tight under hers, around her dress, his other clutching at the front of his shirt so hard his knuckles are white.] Please. I-I can't. Not yet, I can't.

[Her hand leaves Sorey's cheek and clutches at the hand on his shirt.]

Shh, Sorey, it's okay. I'm not going to force you right now. I only wanted you to know that I'm here if you want to talk to me about it or if you wish to have something to distract you from it. And...that I'm sorry.

[Sorry that her purification will never be strong enough to revert a dragon. Sorry that no oath she can take will ever be strong enough to do so. Sorry that there was no other option. Sorry that he'd lost another person so dear to him.]

[He swallows and nods, though that's another thing he's not sure he can give her. Being a Shepherd again? Talking about Mikleo? Both of those goals are so incredibly far out of his reach right now...they might be that way forever.

Lailah's hands are warm over his; Lailah is always warm. Maybe it's a fire seraph thing. Or maybe it's just a Lailah thing.]

I'm... [Sorey pauses, then reaches up to cover her hand with his, draws both her hands into his own and lowers them to his lap.] I think I'm thirsty, [he murmurs, because that's something he can do. He can get a drink of water.]

[Lailah allows him to do so, of course she does. Just like she'll still allow him to have her fire if he asks for it.]

Then let's get you something to drink and at least a small snack.

[The fire seraph squeezes his hands gently, encouragingly, like she'll go with him if he still wants her company. She won't leave Sorey. She had no choice with Michael or the other Shepherds, but she'll take advantage of the freedom to do so now.

One step at a time. As long as they can keep it one step at a time, Lailah's sure that Sorey will heal.]

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