monolike | (no subject)

It starts with armatizing with Dezel, though it doesn’t really.

Where it really starts is as early on as a couple weeks. During his entire Shepherd’s journey, Sorey has never been in a position where he couldn’t do anything. He’s always managed to find a solution to the problems he’s run up against or, barring that, he could find the truth and a way to continue on with his journey. There haven’t been many idle moments; on the contrary, Lailah has to frequently tell this kid to relax, because he’s pointedly pushing himself and everyone else to fix the world ASAP.

These young’uns.

So when Sorey shows up in DF, he’s okay for like, a month. Maybe a few more; he can’t get rid of the malevolence because it causes issues, because Allen said not to and that trying to do so would cause internal strife, etc etc. Sorey goes ‘it doesn’t look like it’s hellionizing anybody so I guess we should leave it alone.’ He and Mikleo p much exclusively make that decision, and Dezel is like ‘well what the fuck do I care I’m dead HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME’ so more or less, all of them agree that in the interest of keeping the peace, they need to leave the situation alone, for now.

Mark the start of Sorey’s worrying.

He’s told that time doesn’t pass back home which he believes about 75%; no reason to doubt anybody and reports with people who’ve gone back home coincide, but he’s just worried, okay, he worries. And Sorey has never had much to worry about before now, so he has no methods of coping with it besides just trying to reassure himself over and over again.

He and Mikleo get in a fight over an old problem that wasn’t quite a problem anymore on the polluted planet. Mikleo and Dezel get sick, through the negligence of mortals, and Sorey feels terrible about it.

He and Mikleo make up, more or less, though things are still tense. Sorey does an awful lot of reflection on what it means to be human among spiritual companions who used to be worshiped as gods. It was so much easier to be cavalier about seraphim when he was raised with them bc they’re just normal dudes, ok, they’re just wind and water and earth and fire and lightning personified, nothing weird about that. He was never lonely in Elysia and never made to feel out of place, and he’s always had Mikleo who is just Mikleo, even if he’s also water.

Cue the handholding planet, and armatizing for the first time for something other than completing a purpose. Well, it happened a little earlier than that too, with Mikleo on the ship, but the purpose of that was to make up so it technically had a purpose.

Now Sorey is on this handholding planet and he doesn’t just armatize with Mikleo for a dip in the ocean, but he does it with Dezel, and even Zaveid. Just for FUN. Just to experience the world like they do, not for killing anything or getting from one place to another or purifying hellions. Just 100% wonderful, awesome being with another person and sharing feelings and joy and such. HE LOVES IT. He loves it a lot. He worries for a split second that it’s using the Shepherd powers for his own gain, but ultimately decides that’s nonsense and just lets himself enjoy it. Flying around with Dezel and Zaveid and swimming with Mikleo is like. The best fucking things ever.

DEZEL AND ZAVEID END UP FIGHTING, WHICH. Okay which Sorey is completely unsurprised by and honestly expected. He would’ve been more shocked if they hadn’t fought, even if he doesn’t like that they did. But he would rather they be true to themselves so if this is what they gotta do, then. At least it’s out of their systems. He heads over to Dezel to heal him, armatizes to conserve supplies and discovers a little more of what he did before about why Dezel is so close to hellionizing without a pure vessel. His heart isn’t just broken, the goddamn thing is near SHATTERED. Sorey decides hey, I can handle this, I can do this for him and not only makes a foolhardy promise (“I will bring you back to us, to Rose, I swear”) but he also tries to take the burden of Dezel’s sorrow into himself.

Instead he just kind of manages to pull all of that emptiness and anxiety into himself, and doesn’t even help Dezel all that much with it because hey, even special soulbonding magic powers don’t make heartache go away, imagine that.

And then Sorey is also terribly worried about Zaveid, because he was giving off those “haha it’s okay I’m a spare I’ll just stay away while you have Dezel,” and Sorey is like NO NO THANK YOU NOPE PLEASE DON’T DO THAT. Zaveid is just so old and he’s a wind seraphim, who are wont to just drift away when they feel they’re done anyway so he’s clinging pretty tightly to him because he’s positive that Zaveid would just up and leave the group if Sorey really did bring Dezel back. Sorey DOES NOT want that. He doesn’t want to lose another person, not even for something as benign as him moving on.

Add into that how worried he is for Mikleo, being a water seraph without any water surrounded by malevolence, and the almost-fight they have AGAIN when he suggests Mikleo stay behind where he’s happy and safe, and hahaha it’s like the aqueducts all over again. Mikleo isn’t your fucking fanboy tagalong, bitch!!! He’s your PARTNER. Well, Sorey is a worrier and when he sees the person he loves most in this world getting hurt or sick over and over, he worries. Normally he wouldn’t be so stupid, but he’s getting pretty nervous at this point.

Cue them leaving the handholding planet and Sorey is not doing well. He’s back in this cold, sterile environment with one wind seraph lowkey hinting at leaving, the other wind seraph relying on him (in his mind) to bring him back home, and Mikleo, who has his own worries and troubles. Sorey is ashamed of himself for being unable to handle his own stress and anxiety when it seems like everyone else can. He’s forgotten that literally the entire party doted on him back home and that’s largely what helped keep him steadfast and true.

He’s forgotten that Lailah’s guidance is PIVOTAL to his success as a Shepherd, and that’s whY THE FUCK THEY HAVE PRIME LORDS AT ALL, YOU DOLT. Sorey’s a kid who has literally been in the Fleet longer than he’d been a Shepherd back home, and it shows in his inexperience when balancing the stress of being a Shepherd who cannot Shepherd any of the shit he’s supposed to.

In the emptiness of space, Sorey starts to panic.

He knows something is wrong. He’s losing sleep. He’s not as cheerful as he usually is. He’s worried, constantly worried, and that just makes him even more afraid that he’ll start to generate his own malevolence. He can’t let it come to that; not when he’s got no way to protect the seraphim from him.

He fixates on his flaws and his shortcomings and forgets who he is, a little bit, in favor of looking at himself as an enemy from which he needs to save his friends. He remembers all the stories of Fallen Shepherds from the trials and temples and thinks that if he can just save them from him, he’ll be good. So he starts avoiding them.

Keeping his distance from Zaveid is easy enough since he’s on another ship, even though Zaveid is the one who reaches out to him later (at the behest of Mikleo). Staying away from Dezel and Mikleo is harder, but Sorey manages to bury himself in work or going to other ships to keep his distance. When they show up at another system embroiled in bitter rivalries, steeped in malevolence, Sorey knows he can’t go anywhere near them or he might get even worse. He holes himself up in his ship while the others go out until he can’t stand it anymore.

He calls Nightingale looking for a way to sever the pacts. It would be better for them to be on their own, for him to find them vessels and worshipers, than to risk being with him. He tries to sell it as just being curious, or in a ‘worse case scenario’ sort of way, but Nightingale sees right through him.

She pushes him to tell Mikleo and Sorey, in his panic, shoves her away. He scares himself with his reaction and takes off for the planet, praying that the Fleet leaves the system soon so that they’ll at least be okay, even if he’ll be stranded.

Annnnd the rest is history